Steph has been wonderful. She’s always been supportive of me and my rants. In fact, after I dropped out of Twitter for a very long time, it was Steph who brought me back. She mentioned me on Twitter and the rest is history.

So, Steph, thank you for the support, the laughs and for making my crappy days brighter with your awesome sense of humor.

The Rules
(And queue! Suspense music!)

1.Post the Sunshine Award Logo that appears in this post.

2.Accept the nomination and link it back to the person who nominated you.

3.Answer the questions listed below.

4.Nominate ten other blogs that inspire you/others and let them know you have nominated them.

The Questions

My favorite color :
I have to say Blue. I love a deep shade of purple, some orange and white, too. But Blue is definitely my all time fave.

My favorite animal :
My Dad. *CHOKES* I mean my Dogs. No, really, the first was a typing error.

My favorite number :
8. That’s my birth date and if you really wanna get into it, check out the meaning of the number when referenced in numerology.

My favorite non-alcoholic beverage :
I have to say coffee. I’m a very grouchy person until I have my dose of caffeine.

My favorite alcoholic beverage :
I have to say wine. I enjoy hard liquor, too, but I can’t have too much of it. (Wow, I just realized that I drink a lot. Go figure.)

Facebook or Twitter :
I think I’ll go with Twitter. I have only recently delved into Facebook on a personal level – I’ve been using it/ managing accounts for work but haven’t been using FB for anything else. I find it intrusive – people like poking about other people’s business A LOT. Twitter is nice cause with character limitations, you sort of learn to shut your mouth. Or fingers. About a lot of things. But that still doesn’t stop the occassional idiot who likes to reveal too much about themselves, like, they have a yeast infection or something. Like we really needed to know that.

My passions :
Art, Music, Photography, Writing, making people smile and warming hearts (with kind gestures and not with my hand or mouth skills).

Giving or receiving gifts :
I’m a lot better at giving than receiving. (Wow, does this sound a tad bit off.) But, in all seriousness, (ahem), I used to prefer giving but then I realized that all relationships are supposed to be balanced. If someone gifts me from the heart, I will graciously accept. But if someone gifts me with ulterior motives (and this has happened), I would say go dig yourself a hole and take your gifts to the underworld, please and thank you. K, that aside, it was only when I read Amanda Owen’s book ‘The Power of Receiving’, I realized that I, in fact, did not know HOW to receive gifts. And if you don’t know how to receive, how can you graciously accept all that the universe has to offer you? (Ah, yes, this is one of my Zen-Yoda-all-inspiring-moments.)

Favorite City :
I think I’ll go with Hong Kong.

Favorite TV shows :
There’s just so many…(Wow, now I just realized that I probably watch too much TV). But to name a few…I enjoy The Simpsons, Dexter, House MD, True Blood (sexy Vampires just make me wanna say ‘bite me’), and so on so forth…

Here are my 10 nominees :

1) Colleen M Albert – Colleen is such a huge part of my life. She’s my big sis.
2) Liz McGuire – Liz is an inspiration. Her writings and photography breathe life.
3) J.J. Anderson – A new discovery – Heartwarming and hilarious. JJ makes swearing trendy.
4) Kasey Leavitt – Because her words in this post have such power.
5) Timaree and Jodi – Because it’s brave to show the world who you really are.
6) Kristen of The Pretty Girl In Pink - Just looking at her website always made me smile.
7) Clare Scott – So amazingly talented.
8) Missy Bedell – Smart, kick ass and funny.
9) Ginger Myrick – Her writings require a ton of research since she likes writing historical fiction. It’s more than just imagination.
10) Margie Miklas – She makes me want to take off and travel round the world in my underwear. (I wasn’t aiming for something R rated, but what this means is, she makes me want to dash out the door so quickly, I wouldn’t even remember to put anything else on.)

Please spend a few moments to check out these amazing people and don’t forget to leave a comment! Let’s give each other a little bit of ‘sunshine’…then let’s hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya’…pft. NOT.

Have a nice weekend, folks!

Dylan

I’ve resigned to being content in my own space until I can find a better opportunity. That is not to say, however, that I don’t pull my own weight, because I do. These days, I’m just more careful with the way I handle things – I try to avoid situations where the boss’ pets can throw me under the bus.

So what’s this got to do with an elevator pitch?

Bear with me. You’ll see.

Hiring talent and managing it can be quite tricky. In a Company that prides itself on Nepotism, I think it’s safe to say that ‘talent’ or ‘skills’ do not take precedence over ass kissing…unless the talent is ass kissing…but obviously, we don’t sell that as a product or service in the place I work in.

Here’s an example.

We had what was supposed to be a very straight forward discussion…

Boss : How do you call the process…where…you know – you want to sell the Company or products and then you do this in less than one minute. Like, a very quick summary to convince someone to buy from you. Something like that.

Me : Uhm. Wait. Do you mean, ‘elevator pitch?’ Is that what you’re looking for?

Boss : Yes! The one where you tell someone in less than one minute what your product is about.

Me : Yeah, that’s an elevator pitch.

Boss @ his rumored mistress (who is in charge of marketing) : Can you describe that? The elevator pitch?

Boss’ (rumored) mistress : Huh? Is outside. (stares at me and my boss)

Me : Huh? Sorry, I don’t quite follow.

Boss’ (rumored) mistress : You mean the elevator? Is outside the office. What do you want with it?

Boss : (SIGHS) No – just – it – okay. Can you describe our product in less than one minute? What’s the selling point?

Boss’ (rumored) mistress : But what do you mean by elevator pitch? The elevator is outside…(she then looks at me). You want to put some ads in the elevator?

Me : (Feeling awkward) Uhm. Yeah. It’s…outside.

Boss : (Looks dumbfounded and frustrated)

Me : (Trying hard to keep a straight face) I have to make an important phone call. Please excuse me.

As long as you’re the boss’ pet, I guess having proper industry skills does not matter at all – even if you can’t tell the difference between an elevator pitch and actually riding one.

I don’t talk a lot.

We all have our ways of dealing and coping and sometimes I have the tendency to shut down, clam up or whatever you want to call it.

On May 06, 2013, I woke up and my hands were very swollen. The swelling started days before but it seemed to have gotten worse that morning. I was petrified. The swelling was accompanied by pain in my finger joints so I decided to go see my doctor to find out what was going on with me.

Endometriosis symptoms can vary from person to person. I wondered whether or not my new symptoms had anything to do with this disease but I was also concerned of the possibility that there may be something more sinister at play. The possibilities are scary.

So I went to see my doctor and he took a look at my hand and said that it could be Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), or perhaps Lupus. He recommended that I undergo a few blood tests as soon as possible and that’s what we did. He drew 3 vials of blood from my arm, an all too familiar sight for me.

As I was sitting in his office, I had this sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach. He then went and said : ‘It must be hard for you…with the Endo, then the surgery and now this. Hang in there. We’ll get the tests done so you’ll know what this is. Hopefully, it’s nothing serious.’

I guess he sensed that I was starting to feel really depressed again. It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling to get my life in order. I don’t really know how I’ll be able to cope if I have to deal with any more health issues. The blood tests results were supposed to arrive about a week later.

Fortunately, my doctor was able to speed up the process and I got my results about 2 days after taking the tests. Everything came back as negative. I did not test positive for RA, nor did I test positive for Lupus. But on the other hand, the underlying cause for the pain in my finger joints as well as the swelling remains unknown…so, I’m not sure how to feel about it.

It’s nice to know that the tests came back as negative but the doctor said that I have to observe my symptoms and then probably get retested in the next few months. It’s unnerving.

So, is it Rheumatoid Arthritis or Lupus? While the tests results have come back as negative, there is still a possibility that this may change in the next few months.

All I can do right now is to hope for the best, and that, I shall.

For those of you reading this, don’t take your health for granted. It is as precious as your very life.

Feature image : Alaina Abplanalp Photography via Flickr.com

This post is long overdue and I’m embarrassed to be writing about this almost a month later. (It’s pathetic, I know.)

I feel extremely humbled to be given the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Truth be told, I think my posts have been rather dark and dreary as of late so I wasn’t expecting to receive this. But, I am extremely humbled and grateful. It warms the heart…

…And the person who gave me this award is none other than my Tweetpea, Colleen M. Albert. She is such an amazing writer. I feel extremely blessed to get noticed by her.

If you’re on my Twitter list, you probably know her by now, especially with all the sweet messages I like to Tweet to her. (Yes, it’s enough to make some of you barf, I reckon. But that’s okay. You’re just jealous, I know.)

You can find my Tweetpea on her blog or on Twitter.

Now, on to the award.

Here are the rules :

Award Rules
1. Display logo in your blog to show you’ve been nominated!
2. Link back to your nominator.
3. Share 7 things about yourself.
4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for the award.
5. Notify your nominees.

I think I’m gonna break the rules because I’ve only managed to come up with 10 Bloggers. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Here are 7 random things about me.

1. I’m a bit of an introvert. People overwhelm me. That is not to say that I don’t socialize because I do. But I like my alone time and I need to wind down. Not everyone understands that though.

2. I love my dogs. They’re family to me. A lot of times I prefer being around animals than people.

3. Colleen Albert is my Angel. We met through Twitter but ever since then, she has been a ray of sunlight in my life and she’s always there to listen and guide me. I feel fortunate to have her. Our friendship is very special. She is like a sister and a Mom to me.

4. One of the funniest bloggers I’m fortunate to be friends with is Steph Neighbor. She makes me laugh with her stories.

5. I once fell asleep extremely congested and then woke up in the middle of the night panicking because I couldn’t breathe. I started to jump around in my moment of anxiety because I was so scared, I forgot that I could breathe through my mouth. Had I not remembered, I could have suffocated. Can you imagine what the coroner’s report would say? ‘Death by snot’

6. I think Mickey Mouse is either gay or bisexual.

7. It’s embarrassing but I can’t ride a bike. The funny thing is, I can ride a motorbike. Not a little bicycle with the funny bell on it. So I guess I’m still pretty bad ass.

Here are my nominees for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award : (In no particular order)

I am probably breaking the rules because I’ve only nominated 10.

1. Lindsay Curtis
2. Stephanie M. Neighbor
3. Margie Miklas
4. Joel Goldman
5. Ginger Myrick
6. Liz McGuire
7. Norman Cooper
8. Angela of Half Past Normal
9. Kristen of A Little Something For Me
10. Shell of Things I Can’t Say

Please take time to check out these writers/ bloggers because they are worth it. My gratitude goes out to all my readers and especially to Colleen for giving me the Very Inspiring Blogger Award.

Stay beautiful,

Dylan

…And yet I live.

And while I am grateful, I feel as if a part of me has never returned from that state of walking that fine line between living and dying. It’s like being shattered into a million pieces and drifting in between space, time and not knowing how to return from it all.

I am here. And yet I am seemingly gone. A part of me is missing and I am trying so hard to understand my life and the reason for all of this.

Every day is a struggle. Mentally, emotionally, physically, I struggle and I feel like I am failing.

I no longer think that I am coming undone. I know I have.

I wish I could say that I’m okay. I wish I could say that I am completely happy and there is nothing wrong with me. But the truth is, I am broken and my soul feels like it is in decay. And I need not utter these words out loud because through my eyes, anyone can see me crumbling within.

I am broken.

And sometimes I wish I had died instead of living with this day to day struggle.

I just want to be free.

I want to be free from the physical, emotional and mental anguish that I am seemingly trapped in.

Look at my journal. Look at my blog. I go through cycles where one day I am happy and then I hit rock bottom because for one reason or another, something happens that knocks me completely off of my feet and I find myself trying to crawl, stand, run – I am trying.

I wonder if the anniversary of my near death experience has anything to do with how I’m feeling right now. The thing is, I don’t know.

Just recently, I’ve had to withdraw from 2 modules at school. I can’t get any more extensions because I’ve been on medical leave. What’s even worse now is that I have to withdraw for the rest of the year because there is no way I’ll be able to complete the rest of my subjects.

I’ve lost time and money.

And my health seems to be failing me. And I have a job that I absolutely abhor because I work for a despicable person who has no regard for anyone’s well being.

And my medical issues almost wiped me out financially so I need to have a full time job since my savings account took a beating when I was getting treatment. Fortunately, I had enough funds and have not incurred debts as a result. Apparently, insurance companies will only cover a very small percentage of ones medical bill when one has an autoimmune disease. What a rude awakening. The life of a healthy person is worth the investment in terms of ROI, but that of one who is ill is not a worthy investment.

I stare at my wrists and look at the scars; a reminder of what I had attempted and what I had failed to do. I am still here. I am still breathing. I am still living.

And yet when the anguish grips the very heart of me, every time I see a sharp blade, visions of the cold metal slicing through my skin where crimson rivers flow are never too far away.

And then I am free.

And then I am gone.

When the blade cuts my skin, it distracts me from all else – the emotional, mental and physical anguish is diminished and the cuts feel like rubbing salt in open wounds, painful enough to be a source of distraction but not unbearable. Just enough.

No, I don’t condone this.

No, I don’t encourage it.

But to those who don’t understand, I will never ask you to.

And to those who intend it, I will ask you not to.

And yet within my soul, I am broken and I wonder if I will ever be ‘whole’ again.

This is not me running away. This is me wanting to stop the pain.

And don’t tell me that I’ve not tried hard enough or that I am not trying hard enough because you do not know what it is to live in my every day where I feel trapped and I can’t get out.

No, I am not bipolar.

No, I am not crazy.

Yes, I am depressed. And you do not know my history so stop being judgmental.

I tried my hand to cross over to the other side but I was not bold enough to go through with it. And so, I progressed into self harm as a form of release.

The thing is, right now, I feel hollow, broken and the best way I can describe it is, I am here but a part of me is just no longer there. It died. And whether or not this is trauma, I don’t know. All I know is, I live it every single day and it isn’t really going away.

It’s been almost a year since the traumatic events that lead to my near death experience and yet here I am still struggling to cope with life.

And no matter who I talk to, I still feel trapped.

And sometimes, I look out the window of my apartment building, thinking how easy it is to just jump. Sometimes, I look at a knife and think how easy it is to slit my wrists, or how easy it is to overdose on my pain medication.

But I just can’t do it.

I want to but I don’t want to.

I’m still finding my way and trying to find my purpose and place. It is not easy. And it is never an easy thing to admit to having suicidal thoughts. For the life of me, I will never understand why some think that this is funny, why some encourage it for ‘fun’ and why others look down on this. These are reasons why some may never get to express themselves and they ultimately succeed in taking their own life.

All I can really say right now is, I admit it. Sometimes I think of taking my own life. And to those of you who know me or have come to love me, I am sorry to disappoint you…but I won’t lie…

…These thoughts cross my mind…but it is you who keeps me hoping for a better tomorrow. And when that doesn’t happen, it is you who keeps me from giving up and giving in to letting the crimson rivers flow until they run dry.

And then I am gone.

My second contribution for PYHO.

My sincerest thanks to Shell, for coming up with such a wonderful weekly event so people like myself can be seen and heard. You are an angel.

The weekend started out great because I was not in any physical pain. Saturday was wonderful. I took full advantage of the day by going out, doing a little shopping and spending time with my brother. I also managed to stop by church.

I am grateful to have such a wonderful day having been sick for a while.

I planned on finishing my thesis today. I only have a few days left to my deadline and I wanted to get my work done so I can move forward with my course. As I was doing my assignment, I hit a brick wall…actually, I hit quite a few of them and then I felt overwhelmed.

I have been studying part-time while trying to balance my full time work, too. Being sick for over a month certainly did no favors. Having a demanding and stressful job didn’t make matters any easier, either.

My assignment was given only days ago. My course is structured this way – assignments are given and have to be completed within a week.

I tried to do my thesis. Truly, I did. But as I was writing, I realized that I couldn’t do it. I have to complete 2 papers which require extensive research. These papers have the same deadline. It has come to this because I have been on medical leave for months already. I have taken the maximum allowed time for medical leave and my program is due to expire soon. Hence, I have modules/ subjects that have to be completed within the same time frame.

I can no longer get an extension and if I choose to proceed with submitting my thesis at this point, I am most certain that I will fail. Retaking the test will not make matters better because retaking it would have an impact on my overall score/ average of the course.

It was an extremely hard decision to make but I filled up a request to withdraw from both subjects and sent it by email.

And that’s when I came undone.

Sitting in my bed, I became engulfed by sadness and I started to cry. I feel extremely overwhelmed and I don’t really know what to say right now other than I feel like I am failing in life.

I am so frustrated and sad because of how my sickness and surgery has wreaked havoc in my life. It’s been almost a year since I had the operation and yet here I am still feeling like I’m barely breathing, struggling to get things back in order and struggling to maintain a positive outlook in life when there are days where I wish I had died.

I have a f*cked up boss who is passive aggressive and unfortunately, since surgery has put a dent in my savings account, I do not have the freedom of walking out the door without finding another means to support myself. The job market isn’t doing great so I haven’t found another opportunity yet. I can’t take a lower paying job because I have bills to pay.

I feel stuck and I feel frustrated, angry and depressed. It’s like the waves are crashing in again.

Surgery has really turned my life upside down and I want this to be over. I want to be over the part where I am struggling to get my life back.

I want this to be over.

I want this to be over.

I want this to be over.

I want to achieve in life and I feel like my health is holding me back from many things I wish to do. And it’s a struggle to stabilize my health…

I just want this to be over.

I feel like I’ve been beaten down and kicked in the gut and I’m still struggling to get up and I can only take so much.

I just want this to be over.

Towards the end of last week, while I was at work, I was given some insurance claim forms to fill out. Since I’ve been sick, I needed to fill them up again. I asked for my sick days record for this year, just to get a view on my outstanding claims and what have yous. And…

I was stunned.

As it turned out, since the start of 2013, I’ve been sick…

EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH.

I didn’t realize nor did I take notice of this until I saw the records in black and white.

I felt utterly dismayed.

People always tell me that it will get better, that things will get better. I have always believed that but I guess there are times when I can’t help but wonder, when will that be?

It’s a sad revelation…I knew I’ve been sick but…every month? And not realizing that gave me the impression that I’m probably so used to feeling sick now that I can no longer tell the difference nor can I keep track of it. And that is sad. It really is.

I didn’t notice it but some of my colleagues did. While we were having lunch together last Friday, one happened to mention it.

‘Why do you always seem to get sick so easily? Every month you get fevers and you seem to come down with the flu. Are you okay?’

I sat there with a blank stare. I was caught off guard, not knowing what to say. I managed to come up with something, without having to disclose my health issues. See, I do not want to reveal so much of my health struggles to those around me. I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want that…the look of pity when people see I’m not well…I just don’t like it. I’m still alive. I am breathing. I am not dying…and I don’t want to be treated like I am.

The conversation was cut short when our food was served. No one else thought much about it but I did. It bothered me.

Every day when I wake up, I need to observe and check if I’m feeling okay. And this is my life. And I worry that as I get older, my tolerance for pain may not be as it is now. And when I’m sick, I can’t help but wonder if this is my life, for the rest of my life.

Whenever someone asks me if I’m okay, I usually have to lie. And then I feel bad. But realistically, how do you answer that same question with ‘not too good’ 4 out of 7 days of the week? People will ask more questions and they’ll think you’re either faking it or you probably just want attention. Even worse, they may grow tired of you and think you’re just whining, you’re toxic and you complain too much. I know because this is my life.

And so I find solace in writing. If you happen to read my blog, I thank you. If you find yourself repulsed, then, well, you don’t have to read more of it. No one gets hurt, right? That’s why it’s easier to write. See?

I understand that I’m not easy to be around. I feel sick and my family doesn’t always get it. They get frustrated with me when I’m laying in bed during the weekend, not wanting to be bothered, not wanting to go out because I’m feeling exhausted.

Then they ask why.

Then I have to explain.

Then they don’t get it.

And then they insist.

And then I still don’t want to go out.

And then they get frustrated.

And then I get frustrated.

My family means well and I know it’s not easy for them as well. And it gets to me.  When I try to go out and have fun with them while I’m feeling sick, I usually have to pay the price when I get home. I don’t like to talk about it so much…how I don’t feel well. It’s the same conversation. It gets tedious for me, too.

I am fortunate to have some good friends who keep me grounded. I will write a follow up post about these amazing women later on.

It’s easier for me to write because I can pour my heart out into my writings and not feel bad about it. I don’t have to worry about becoming a pest. I don’t have to worry about becoming a burden. I just write and let it all out. And then hope for a better tomorrow.

A glimpse of my life.

A reminder to always be grateful.

Oh, God. For the first time, I am at a loss for words.

My mouth opened and my voice was muted. My mind started to race and I found myself fixated on you…

You leaned against the wall while the party is at full swing. Our eyes met and I felt you looking into my soul and it was like gravity.

It’s like gravity.

And I have fallen.

And the rest is history.

‘Intense oblivion,’ that’s what I always said, remember? You always asked me about our relationship and how I saw ‘us’…even though you knew there wasn’t anything real or tangible to call ‘us’. ‘What do you think this is?’ you always asked. And each time, I would give you the same answer – ‘intense oblivion.’

We were beautifully broken, you and I. Broken down into fragments, and broken down, split in the middle, just enough to let the light through; just enough to have that moment of love or lust we shared whilst caught in a fog of despair.

We were broken and empty…but broken and open.

You were always clingy and needy but the kindness and tenderness that lived inside you was what kept me at your side. You were always thoughtful. I remember the breakfasts in bed, how you cooked lunch or dinner while I worked…and how you always went out of your way to find interesting things for me, like how the wine you bought always had stories behind them and so did the movies you got for us and how you gave me certain books that inspired you in the hopes that I would find that same inspiration in them, too. I know your heart. And my sweet, it is as beautiful as you.

In the midst of our heart aches, we were locked in a sweet embrace, as temporary lovers…friends…or whatever you may call it. Time seemingly slipped away as days turned to months and the raw intensity of our ‘relationship’ made its mark on my heart as it did yours.

‘I don’t know what you see in me…but I don’t want to hurt you…you know that, right? You’re a very nice girl…I’m a bad guy…you can’t love me.’ These were the words you uttered as I laid my head on your shoulder after another intense night of uninhibited love making…or should I say, uninhibited ‘sex’ instead. Maybe the latter is a better way to describe it.

Your arm was wrapped around me as the dim candle lights started to burn out. Soft whispers in the night, so bittersweet, they were, as you said those words with a hint of sadness in your voice. You and I were never committed to each other. She left you shattered beyond repair, as you always said. And he took so much of me that I no longer knew if I had anything left to give. We were a match made in despair.

‘But…how can you hurt me when…we aren’t even together? You’re not my boyfriend…so…I don’t see how you can…’ I replied as I stared into your eyes. I trace my fingers over your stubble and you look away. ‘No…yeah…well, I mean…I’m not making any sense here. Just forget what I said. I’m not your boyfriend. Yeah.’

I slowly get up and move on top of you. ‘Wait. No. What’s this about? I thought we were only supposed to have fun and enjoy the moment. That’s what we agreed on when we started this…right? We promised. Or is there something I’m missing here?’ You look away. ‘Don’t worry about it. I’m not your boyfriend. But you know…I really like…never mind. It’s nothing.’

I lay back in bed, away from you. A familiar sensation overcomes me and I feel a stab through my heart. And then there was silence. Not a word more was exchanged between us. The only noise that could be heard was the sound of the rain against the windows.

You fall asleep at my side and I reach for the night light on my side of the bed.  I watch you sleep ever so sound as I trace my fingers over your face. I always loved the way your hair framed your masculine features…and I loved running my fingers over your stubble before I drifted to sleep in your arms.

And then I feel that familiar sensation in my heart once again.

‘I will miss you…’ I whispered.

I slowly crept out of bed and got dressed. I gathered my belongings and as I headed out the bedroom door, I look at you for one last time.

And it was like gravity.

I knew I had fallen.

And it was time for me to go.

We were supposed to enjoy each other’s company, to live for the moment while we were together. We were not supposed to fall for one another. But I have fallen for you…and I think you have fallen for me, too.

I never thought we’d end up this way. And I never wanted it to be this way. And I can’t love you when I am broken and neither can you. It shouldn’t be this way. We can’t make the same mistakes we’ve made in the past. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to you.

On my way out, I wrote you a note. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve given me; the memories, the kindness – everything.’ I placed it on your coffee table and headed out.

Maybe one day you will understand…I hope you will. I hope you’ll understand why I never answered your calls or text messages after.

Walking in the rain at 3 in the morning, I realized that we both have betrayed that promise, to not fall for one another and to remain friends.

It was like gravity. I have fallen for you. And I’m sorry. But we just cannot be one when I am not even whole to begin with. And until I am, we simply cannot be.

Then, I fall asleep.

In the morning, I am awakened by my iPhone. My eyes flutter as I reach to hit the snooze button to steal a few more moments until I have to get up for work. Exhausted, I usually fall back to sleep.

About 15 minutes later, the alarm goes off once again. And then I have to get up.

I open my eyes to reach for my phone and lay back for a while.

‘How am I feeling today?’

‘How are my bones? How are my muscles feeling? Do I have a fever?’

These are the questions I have to ask myself every morning when I wake up.

I start to stretch my limbs as I get ready to climb out of bed.

I stare at my hands and move my fingers to check whether or not they feel stiff. I check to see if anything hurts.

Some days, I feel fine but most days something just isn’t right.

I feel sick or I feel weak.

My muscles ache. Or my bones ache.

It’s one thing or another. It’s like having the flu but not having a temperature.  And then everyone around me usually thinks I’m either faking it or that I’m perfectly fine.

I get so tired trying to explain myself.

And yet there is no cure for what I have. So all I can do is manage my symptoms as they come and hope for the best.

This is my life.

Almost a year ago, I underwent major surgery to remove bilateral ovarian tumors. The 6 inch cut across my lower abdomen serves as a daily reminder of this traumatizing event in my life.

To date, I still hurt. My incision still hurts every once in a while. The skin around the surgical site remains numb. It’s not yet back to normal. And sometimes, I wonder if it will ever be normal.

And then I start to feel sad. I get depressed. I cry.

And then I start to feel guilty.

I almost didn’t make it out of surgery and yet I live. I am thankful but I am struggling to get my life back in order. And I get frustrated.

I am grateful for having non malignant tumors. I am grateful for having a second chance at life. I know there are a lot of things that I should be grateful for. And I AM.

And while most of the time I do not speak of my daily struggles, it doesn’t mean they do not exist. I live it. I feel it. And it isn’t easy. But I keep trying.

This is my life with Endometriosis.

Imagine living your life like this where every day your energy levels can greatly fluctuate, your stamina and strength can go from extreme highs to extreme lows. You just never really know until the moment comes. And all you can really do is manage. Take your pain killers. Sit down. Lay down. Or cry.

Imagine going to work like this every day, being in the middle of something critical and then your body starts to shut down on you. Your bone starts to hurt, you start to feel weak, you begin to get those familiar flu like symptoms but you have to carry on with work because you don’t have a temperature, you can’t always take that many sick days and you need to get work done.

What do you do?

Well, suck it up and then run into the restroom when all is done. And then you can cry. Or find time to be alone. Take a short walk to get away from everyone. Clear your mind. And then go back for the next task on your list.

And even when I try and get some relaxation or recreation, there is a price to pay.

Almost 3 weeks ago, I went to a beach barbecue and I felt extremely exhausted after. It took me 2 weeks to regain my sense of balance where I didn’t feel completely drained.

My throat has been sore for almost 4 weeks now. It’s been cyclic. It gets better for a day or two and then I have the same throat inflammation all over again. Whenever I get sick, it takes a long time for me to recover. My immune system doesn’t work properly.

These last few weeks have been hard because my symptoms have been getting a little out of hand. My weekends are spent in bed, sleeping, or trying to regain strength for the week ahead. I do try to spend time with my family. We go out but when I get home, I need to lie down and rest.

Endometriosis is a silent disease. It is  my  silent disease.

Many have this misconception that it’s not THAT bad. They don’t understand. They have this impression that it doesn’t get out of hand. It’s just ‘cramps’ and that’s all there is to it. That’s what I thought, too, and so for over a decade I have suffered these symptoms until things escalated and I needed to have major surgery.

I am tired of having to explain myself all the time. Just because I don’t have a temperature, it doesn’t mean that I’m okay. Just because I look okay, it doesn’t mean I feel okay.

No one enjoys having to go through all of this. This isn’t fun for me.

And if it gets difficult for me to smile, stop judging me. Stop demanding from me. Because I know in my heart that I always try to give as much as I can, when I can.

Try and walk a day in my shoes. You might feel like you’ve walked a lifetime.

We all have our own story. And just because I don’t talk much, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have one myself.

My first contribution for PYHO.

Thank you, Shell, for coming up with such a wonderful weekly event where we can all just pour our hearts out.

And like the skies, I feel like I’ve been in this ‘dark’ state of mind where I am utterly down and out.

Easter brought much needed home comforts where I was able to rest and sleep for most of my weekend break. I am thankful for that. I really needed the rest. I have been fighting off this upper respiratory tract infection for almost a couple of weeks.

I have a sore throat that appears to be resistant to my prescriptions. Or…I don’t know, really…

Just when I think I’m stabilizing or getting better, my condition gets worse the next day. It’s always like this. My immune system doesn’t work properly and it takes ages for me to get better, even if I am suffering from what a normal person would call a ‘common cold’.

I suppose I’m still trying to find the right balance of medication. My Vitamin C intake has been increased to help support my immune system and I’m still feeling sick. Even worse, the Vitamin C (1000 mg) is screwing with my stomach. I have a slow release tablet that I take daily but it somehow makes my stomach feel uneasy. Throw in the other symptoms like muscle aches, headaches and there you’ll have an image of me. Being miserable.

Work is still the same. The situation isn’t getting better. I continue to seek better opportunities whilst being in the same Company, contemplating my other goals and achievements.

Between work, my health and certain things I have to deal with in my personal life, I have started to shut down and shut people out. I don’t want to get into details but some of these issues have been lingering for a while. I continue to go through some major adjustments and changes in my life and suffice to say, while changes can happen overnight, the process of change does not always take effect in the same speed. There are about a couple of people I speak to regularly but other than that, I have been quiet. I have isolated myself and this usually happens when I am feeling overwhelmed to the point where I just don’t want to talk anymore.

So, to start off the week, I will acknowledge that in spite of my troubles, I do have some great things in my life that I am grateful for. A few days off is one, time with family is another, some really great friends, too.

I am hoping that I’ll get past this dark shade of blue soon so I can move on to the brighter side, where I want to be.