I started this blog in the year 2012 with one thing in mind. Self expression.
I wanted an outlet to (unapologetically) express myself; a platform for the good, the bad and the ugly that goes on in my life. I wanted to share my experiences with those who were going through their own personal turmoils because I am no stranger to these hardships. I wanted to make people smile and I wanted to make people laugh.
At the time, I didn’t have a ‘focus’ other than to write. My topics varied from my personal life to art, music and writing. If you have ever read anything about starting a blog, you’d know that focus and relevance is essential. And, while I was aware of this, I defied the ‘standard’ and did what I enjoyed doing. I wrote whatever came to mind…which, any professional blogger would say is a recipe for failure.
I wanted my content to be funny, witty and empathetic but, with the start of my blog came about one of the greatest challenge I would ever have to overcome. A tumor was discovered in my lower abdominal area (ovaries) shortly after I started blogging. And so came my descend into despair. So, while I wanted to write funny and empathetic content, my blog posts turned into pathetic works instead. Life sometimes throws us curve balls and I certainly did not expect the ‘ball’ to be a ‘tumor’.
I wrote about my deteriorating health, my impending surgery and my life post surgery. In between, the humor died. There were times when I felt like giving up. I didn’t want to live anymore because life was excruciating. I couldn’t even breathe in my own skin. Everything overwhelmed me.
The title of this blog, ‘Lifegasmic’, was derived from the idea that life is an orgasmic experience. And…with this, life isn’t supposed to be a painful experience. Orgasms aren’t meant to be painful after all. But in the year 2012, my life was all that. It was painful. My blog title and content were soon no longer relevant to each other and I couldn’t force myself to create funny and cheerful content because it felt unnatural. My words would not have come from my soul. I realized this a long time ago. But instead of trying to put myself into a box because of the ‘title’ of this blog, I decided to keep going and to keep growing.
I continued to write about my struggles and, my ovaries, fully aware that I have male readers who subscribe to my blog. Yes guys, I know you find my ovaries and PMS stories unsavory. The unsubscribe rates were evident. But that’s okay. I wasn’t asking for you to savor either one.
Moving forward, as I continued, writing gave me with a much needed outlet and in the process, I gained valuable insight to who I am as a person. Writing, blogging – whatever you want to call it, has helped me grow. Being introspective does that. In the end, whatever happens in life, we get to choose who we want to be. Society, experiences, our parents, our heritage or culture – they do not define us unless we let them to. Happiness isn’t dependent on any one of these things. Happiness is a matter of choice. Being our most authentic selves is a choice.
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But how many of us are living and breathing our most authentic selves?
In my heart of hearts, I know that I’m not there yet. I have many self imposed restraints I am aware of, and, this, I am trying to change. I let society, experiences and other matters get in the way of my own voice…I let negativity get in the way of listening to my own heart. And in some sense, I lived in fear…the fear of rejection.
Fear keeps us from growing. It keeps us limited to where we are because familiarity feels safer than venturing into the unknown. But, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be afraid that I’m not good enough. I don’t want to be afraid of letting my own light shine through. I don’t want to be afraid to be me any longer.
I am on a journey. And this journey is one into my sense of self and who I really am. I personally don’t like to call this ‘a journey of self discovery’ because these words get thrown around too much. I am not one of those self help junkies who likes to write about fulfillment, spirituality and what have yous just for the sake of having something to say. The truth is, I don’t know whether I will continue on with this website since life – my life has more than just ‘orgasmic experiences’ in it. Life isn’t just about the good times…but by the same token, it isn’t all bad, either.
In ending this post, I want to say this. I started blogging as an outlet but things didn’t quite turn out as I thought it would. Life is like that sometimes…and it all boils down to what you make of it. You get to choose. So, choose wisely and don’t compromise on who you are. Write the story of your life by living it and everything else will fall into place.
If you’ve gotten this far in reading, you have my gratitude and appreciation. Thank you for being a part of my journey.