And it was like gravity.
Oh, God. For the first time, I am at a loss for words.
My mouth opened and my voice was muted. My mind started to race and I found myself fixated on you…
You leaned against the wall while the party is at full swing. Our eyes met and I felt you looking into my soul and it was like gravity.
It’s like gravity.
And I have fallen.
And the rest is history.
‘Intense oblivion,’ that’s what I always said, remember? You always asked me about our relationship and how I saw ‘us’…even though you knew there wasn’t anything real or tangible to call ‘us’. ‘What do you think this is?’ you always asked. And each time, I would give you the same answer – ‘intense oblivion.’
We were beautifully broken, you and I. Broken down into fragments, and broken down, split in the middle, just enough to let the light through; just enough to have that moment of love or lust we shared whilst caught in a fog of despair.
We were broken and empty…but broken and open.
You were always clingy and needy but the kindness and tenderness that lived inside you was what kept me at your side. You were always thoughtful. I remember the breakfasts in bed, how you cooked lunch or dinner while I worked…and how you always went out of your way to find interesting things for me, like how the wine you bought always had stories behind them and so did the movies you got for us and how you gave me certain books that inspired you in the hopes that I would find that same inspiration in them, too. I know your heart. And my sweet, it is as beautiful as you.
In the midst of our heart aches, we were locked in a sweet embrace, as temporary lovers…friends…or whatever you may call it. Time seemingly slipped away as days turned to months and the raw intensity of our ‘relationship’ made its mark on my heart as it did yours.
‘I don’t know what you see in me…but I don’t want to hurt you…you know that, right? You’re a very nice girl…I’m a bad guy…you can’t love me.’ These were the words you uttered as I laid my head on your shoulder after another intense night of uninhibited love making…or should I say, uninhibited ‘sex’ instead. Maybe the latter is a better way to describe it.
Your arm was wrapped around me as the dim candle lights started to burn out. Soft whispers in the night, so bittersweet, they were, as you said those words with a hint of sadness in your voice. You and I were never committed to each other. She left you shattered beyond repair, as you always said. And he took so much of me that I no longer knew if I had anything left to give. We were a match made in despair.
‘But…how can you hurt me when…we aren’t even together? You’re not my boyfriend…so…I don’t see how you can…’ I replied as I stared into your eyes. I trace my fingers over your stubble and you look away. ‘No…yeah…well, I mean…I’m not making any sense here. Just forget what I said. I’m not your boyfriend. Yeah.’
I slowly get up and move on top of you. ‘Wait. No. What’s this about? I thought we were only supposed to have fun and enjoy the moment. That’s what we agreed on when we started this…right? We promised. Or is there something I’m missing here?’ You look away. ‘Don’t worry about it. I’m not your boyfriend. But you know…I really like…never mind. It’s nothing.’
I lay back in bed, away from you. A familiar sensation overcomes me and I feel a stab through my heart. And then there was silence. Not a word more was exchanged between us. The only noise that could be heard was the sound of the rain against the windows.
You fall asleep at my side and I reach for the night light on my side of the bed. I watch you sleep ever so sound as I trace my fingers over your face. I always loved the way your hair framed your masculine features…and I loved running my fingers over your stubble before I drifted to sleep in your arms.
And then I feel that familiar sensation in my heart once again.
‘I will miss you…’ I whispered.
I slowly crept out of bed and got dressed. I gathered my belongings and as I headed out the bedroom door, I look at you for one last time.
And it was like gravity.
I knew I had fallen.
And it was time for me to go.
We were supposed to enjoy each other’s company, to live for the moment while we were together. We were not supposed to fall for one another. But I have fallen for you…and I think you have fallen for me, too.
I never thought we’d end up this way. And I never wanted it to be this way. And I can’t love you when I am broken and neither can you. It shouldn’t be this way. We can’t make the same mistakes we’ve made in the past. I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to you.
On my way out, I wrote you a note. ‘Thank you for everything you’ve given me; the memories, the kindness – everything.’ I placed it on your coffee table and headed out.
Maybe one day you will understand…I hope you will. I hope you’ll understand why I never answered your calls or text messages after.
Walking in the rain at 3 in the morning, I realized that we both have betrayed that promise, to not fall for one another and to remain friends.
It was like gravity. I have fallen for you. And I’m sorry. But we just cannot be one when I am not even whole to begin with. And until I am, we simply cannot be.