Most of the time I’m scared.
I’m scared I’m not working hard enough.
I’m scared I’m not doing enough.
I’m scared I don’t try hard enough.
And then I’m scared of feeling too much.
I’m scared of letting too many people inside in my heart.
I’m scared of being judged.
I’m scared of being rejected.
I’m scared of being alone…
But then I think I’m more scared of not being alone.
I think I’m scared of being too vulnerable with anyone anymore.
And when someone comes along who somehow manages to make me let down my defenses, I back away at the slightest pain I feel.
And then I don’t know how to handle my emotions.
I try to pull away. I become distant. And then I think I need to save myself from hurt because no one else will.
I’m scared of wanting and I’m scared of needing someone.
I somehow programmed my mind to think that being independent is being free from wanting or needing another person.
I don’t want to be clingy. I don’t want to want another person because it hurts not to be wanted in the same way, in return.
The truth is, deep inside, I struggle with myself a lot.
Maybe I don’t love myself enough and this I find extremely hard to admit to but I think that it’s time I face my inner most demons.
Some days I can’t even bare to look at myself in the mirror.
I have to force myself to look at the reflection in the mirror when I stand before it, if only to find how hollow I really am.
I’m afraid that I’ll never BE enough.
That I’ll always be ‘almost’ and not ‘enough’.
I look into the mirror and I glance at my face.
I stare down at my body and I see my scars and think, ‘I wonder who would love to see any of this?’
And then I think to myself, ‘maybe no one else but me.’
But would that be enough? I wonder.
I know it should be.
IT SHOULD BE.
IT MUST BE.
And yet deep inside, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself in the craziness that’s transpired in the last year of my life.
I’m still finding who I really am and where I truly belong.
I want to wake up and feel the air go in and out of my lungs, to feel utterly contented and to know that this is where I belong.
I want to open my eyes each day and know that I am enough, more than anything.
I want to open my eyes and one day stare into the eyes of another soul who can look at me and see more than meets the eye.
But here I am today and I struggle with what I am, not knowing what it is I am.
Some people think I’m amazing. Sometimes I wonder if that’s just something they like to say to make me feel better…
It is sweet. I appreciate it all with my full being. It is because they care.
And sometimes, I wish I could take myself out of my own body and see what they see. Maybe then I’ll realize my own worth.
And stop second guessing myself.
One minute I think I know who I am.
And the next, I feel like I’ve been knocked down and I’m trying to figure it out all over again and I’m completely lost.
Caught in the middle of nowhere.
Just me and my oblivion, a bittersweet marriage that makes time stand still. And I am stuck.
I am not asking to be saved.
Sometimes I ask myself if I even want to be saved. If I need to be saved.
Then I think, I just need to be found.
I should figure this out myself.
Or am I doing this the wrong way?
Do I need someone to show me?
What is it?
Why is it?
I don’t know. I just don’t know.
I get tired thinking about it all the time.
Sometimes I just don’t wanna think anymore.
And then I run away. Go inside my head. I disappear.
And then I’m still scared.
I’m scared that I’ll never be enough.