Struggling To Get My Life Back

I have been crying for the last couple of hours.

The weekend started out great because I was not in any physical pain. Saturday was wonderful. I took full advantage of the day by going out, doing a little shopping and spending time with my brother. I also managed to stop by church.

I am grateful to have such a wonderful day having been sick for a while.

I planned on finishing my thesis today. I only have a few days left to my deadline and I wanted to get my work done so I can move forward with my course. As I was doing my assignment, I hit a brick wall…actually, I hit quite a few of them and then I felt overwhelmed.

I have been studying part-time while trying to balance my full time work, too. Being sick for over a month certainly did no favors. Having a demanding and stressful job didn’t make matters any easier, either.

My assignment was given only days ago. My course is structured this way – assignments are given and have to be completed within a week.

I tried to do my thesis. Truly, I did. But as I was writing, I realized that I couldn’t do it. I have to complete 2 papers which require extensive research. These papers have the same deadline. It has come to this because I have been on medical leave for months already. I have taken the maximum allowed time for medical leave and my program is due to expire soon. Hence, I have modules/ subjects that have to be completed within the same time frame.

I can no longer get an extension and if I choose to proceed with submitting my thesis at this point, I am most certain that I will fail. Retaking the test will not make matters better because retaking it would have an impact on my overall score/ average of the course.

It was an extremely hard decision to make but I filled up a request to withdraw from both subjects and sent it by email.

And that’s when I came undone.

Sitting in my bed, I became engulfed by sadness and I started to cry. I feel extremely overwhelmed and I don’t really know what to say right now other than I feel like I am failing in life.

I am so frustrated and sad because of how my sickness and surgery has wreaked havoc in my life. It’s been almost a year since I had the operation and yet here I am still feeling like I’m barely breathing, struggling to get things back in order and struggling to maintain a positive outlook in life when there are days where I wish I had died.

I have a f*cked up boss who is passive aggressive and unfortunately, since surgery has put a dent in my savings account, I do not have the freedom of walking out the door without finding another means to support myself. The job market isn’t doing great so I haven’t found another opportunity yet. I can’t take a lower paying job because I have bills to pay.

I feel stuck and I feel frustrated, angry and depressed. It’s like the waves are crashing in again.

Surgery has really turned my life upside down and I want this to be over. I want to be over the part where I am struggling to get my life back.

I want this to be over.

I want this to be over.

I want this to be over.

I want to achieve in life and I feel like my health is holding me back from many things I wish to do. And it’s a struggle to stabilize my health…

I just want this to be over.

I feel like I’ve been beaten down and kicked in the gut and I’m still struggling to get up and I can only take so much.

I just want this to be over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please comment below, even if it's just to let me know you're there :)...and if you can share this post, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!
    • http://www.thingsicantsay.com/ shellthings

      I’m sorry you are feeling like this. I know things can look so bad- but if we push through, they DO get better. Take comfort in that. xo

      • http://www.lifegasmic.com/ Dylan Lin Calista

        Thanks, Shell. Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to maintain a positive outlook…